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I squat so I don’t hit the ground when life knocks me down.

I workout because I really, really like food.

Exercise? Oh, I thought you said extra fries!

I workout because it’s easier to wear my favorite jeans than to buy new ones.

I run, but only because I love food and I hate pants.

I exercise so I can eat cake without guilt.

I don’t sweat, I sparkle.

I’m not a gym rat, I’m a gym unicorn.

Exercise? I thought you said extra rice.

I workout because punching people is frowned upon.

I workout because someday my prince will come and he might not appreciate these thunder thighs.

I exercise because punching things is more socially acceptable in the gym.

Run like there’s a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you.

My workout is 90% socializing and 10% actual exercise.

I don’t sweat, I leak awesome.

Push yourself because no one is going to do it for you… and also donuts.

Exercise? I thought you said extra fries.

Life is too short to be small. Lift heavy and eat the cake.

I do yoga to burn off the crazy.

Running late counts as cardio, right?

Sore today, strong tomorrow.

The only reason I work out is so I can carry all my grocery bags in one trip.

This girl runs on coffee, sarcasm, and really loud music.

I tried exercise but I found out I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I almost died, so I quit.

Burpees? I thought you said slurpees. Count me in!

My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch … it’s called lunch.

Forget the butterflies. I feel the whole zoo when I workout.

I don’t sweat, I glisten.

I could exercise, or I could just eat donuts. Tough choice.

I workout to burn off the crazy.

Running to the fridge during commercials totally counts as exercise.

I only run so I can eat more pizza.

Exercise? I thought they said extra fries.

Exercise is a dirty word. Every time I hear it, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

Running is a mental battle. I’m always fighting the urge to stop and go home for cake.

I workout because I really like bread.

My workout buddy is my alarm clock. It really gets my heart racing.

I workout because I need my body to be strong enough to carry all the shopping bags in one trip.

Exercise? I thought you said accessorize!

My gym motto: Sweat is just fat crying.

I run because I really like cookies.

If my muscles are shaking, it’s just because they’re excited to get strong.

I workout because my body is a temperamental diva that needs constant attention.

Exercise? I thought you said extra fries! Count me in.

I exercise because I want my body to look like I love it… even if I still refuse to give up tacos.

Age is just a number…and yours is definitely unlisted!

Growing older is mandatory, but growing up is optional!

They say life begins at 40…but in your case, it’s still definitely on snooze mode!

You’re not getting older, you’re just becoming a classic!

Birthdays are like cheese, they get better with age!

Age is not important unless you’re cheese or wine!

You’re not over the hill, you’re just climbing the mountain of awesomeness!

Happy birthday! May your wrinkles be as few as your treats today!

Birthdays are nature’s way of saying, ‘Eat more cake!’

Who needs cake when you can have eternal youth and a forever youthful spirit?

Birthdays are like boomerangs, they always come back!

Happy birthday! Don’t count the candles, count the memories!

Just remember, don’t let your age determine your behavior… unless it’s in your favor!

Age is a high price to pay for maturity!

It’s your birthday! Celebrate like a boss, even if you’re the boss!

They say laughter is the best medicine, so here’s a big dose of birthday laughter for you!

Happy birthday! Don’t worry, the gray hair is just your wisdom highlighting itself!

Eat, drink, and be happy—it’s your special day after all!

Another year older, another year wiser…unless you’re me!

Happy birthday to someone who refuses to act their age!

Age is not important, unless you’re a cheese. Or wine. Definitely wine!

Celebrate your birthday with reckless abandon…after all, you’re only as old as you feel!

Happy birthday! May your day be as fabulous as you are…which is pretty dang fabulous!

Don’t let anyone tell you that aging is a bad thing… they’re just jealous they’re not as awesome as you!

It’s your birthday—shake your cake like no one’s watching!

Happy birthday! Remember, the more candles, the bigger the wish!

Keep calm and birthday on!

Age is just a number, and in your case, it’s a really big one!

Birthdays are like unicorns—they’re magical and they never seem to stop coming!

Who cares about age when you have cake and presents?

Happy birthday! Remember, you’re not old, you’re just a classic!

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter!

Happy birthday! May your day be sweeter than cake and filled with laughter!

Another year older means another year of fabulousness!

Wishing you a birthday filled with happy surprises…and zero calories in your cake!

You’re not getting older, you’re just leveling up!

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that people who have the most live the longest!

Age is just a number, and in your case, it’s a really funny one!

Don’t worry about getting older, you’re still young at heart…and slightly older elsewhere!

Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about the present, I didn’t get you one!

Happy birthday! Proving to everyone that age isn’t a limit, it’s an opportunity!

Remember, age is like underwear… it’s better when it’s not visible!

You’re not 45, you’re just 18 with 27 years of experience!

Happy birthday! Another year older and wiser, yet we’re still the same crazy kids at heart!

Age is irrelevant…unless you’re a bottle of wine or a block of cheese!

I love Mondays! Said no one ever.

Work-life balance? More like work-work-work.

I’m not a workaholic, I’m just dedicated… 24/7.

Who needs coffee when you have a never-ending to-do list?

The only exercise I get at work is running late.

Success is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration. Can someone pass me a towel?

My keyboard and I have a love-hate relationship. It loves to malfunction, and I hate it.

Teamwork makes the dream work… if everyone else on the team does their part.

Office politics are just as fun as politics in general… said no one ever.

I don’t always finish my deadlines on time, but when I do, it’s a miracle.

We don’t make mistakes at work, only happy little accidents.

Working overtime? It’s like regular time, but with less sleep and more stress.

Deadlines are just suggestions, right?

If you love what you do, you’ll never work a day in your life… said no one in a mundane job.

The most valuable skill I’ve developed at work is pretending to look busy.

Working hard or hardly working? Let’s go with the second option.

Procrastination is an art form. I’m practically Picasso.

The office microwave is where dreams go to die.

If there were a Nobel Prize for multitasking, I’d win it… while checking my emails and answering calls.

I’m not here to impress anyone, I’m just here to avoid unemployment.

I’m a pro at pretending to know what I’m doing.

I didn’t choose the cubicle life, the cubicle life chose me.

Dress for the job you want, not the job you have… unless you work from home in your pajamas like me.

Work smarter, not harder… or just delegate and take a nap.

If sarcasm was a valuable skill, I’d be the CEO by now.

I’m not saying I’m the best employee, but I haven’t been fired yet.

I have a black belt in completing meaningless tasks.

Wine-o’clock starts at 5 pm, and by ‘wine’, I mean coffee.

Hey, stress is just a sign that you’re alive and working diligently.

The only thing worse than Mondays is… every other day of the workweek.

Who knew spreadsheets could bring so much joy and excitement?

If only my paycheck matched my level of expertise in procrastination.

I’m not sure if I hate my job or just enjoy complaining about it.

Can someone please explain the logic behind ‘casual’ Fridays? I’m here for the fifth day in a row!

If my job description said ‘professional email writer,’ I’d be employee of the century.

The only thing that motivates me at work is the thought of going home.

I’m not saying I’m indispensable, but it’s been two hours since I clocked in and nobody noticed.

If my job was easy, they wouldn’t pay me to do it.

Every day is a new opportunity to use all my sick leaves.

The secret to career success? Acting like you know what you’re doing.

I live for casual Fridays because it’s the only day I can wear sweatpants.

My favorite part of the day? The part when I can finally go home.

They say hard work pays off… but who am I to argue with mediocrity?

If you love your job, you’ll never have to work again… which explains why I’m working so hard to find a different one.

In the game of work, you win or you’re still at work.

Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.

I’m not clumsy, it’s just the floor hates me, the tables and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.

If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then find someone whose life has given them vodka and have a party.

The trouble with life is that there’s no background music.

Life is like a bicycle, to keep your balance, you must keep moving.

I finally figured out what’s wrong with my brain: on the left side, nothing’s right, and on the right side, nothing’s left.

I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.

I may not be perfect, but at least I’m not fake.

Life is short, and you’re not.

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

Don’t take life too seriously, nobody gets out alive anyway.

I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Life is like a rollercoaster, and I’m screaming on the way down.

I’m not clumsy, I’m just dancing to the beat of a different drum.

Life is too short to be taken seriously, so laugh at yourself and spread some joy.

I don’t have a dirty mind, I have a sexy imagination.

If you can’t remember my name, just call me ‘Awesome’. It’s what everyone else calls me anyway.

Life is an adventure, so strap on your boots and let’s get lost.

I’m not lazy, I’m just extremely motivated to do nothing.

I don’t need a prince charming, I need someone who can make me laugh so hard that I snort.

Life is like a camera. Focus on the good times, develop from the negatives, and if things don’t work out, take another shot.

I’m not crazy, my reality is just different from yours.

Life is too short for boring hair.

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

If life gives you melons, you’re probably dyslexic.

Life is too short to wear boring socks.

The only thing I’m committed to right now is finding out how much food I can order for one person.

I don’t have an attitude problem, I just have a personality that you can’t handle.

Life is like a box of chocolates, full of surprises and some of them are just nuts.

I’m not weird, I’m a limited edition.

Life is a beautiful ride, but you have to patch up the flat tires occasionally.

I’m not trying to be cool, it’s just that I’m naturally awesome.

Life is too short to hold grudges. So, if I owe you money, I’m sorry, I’ve moved on.

I’m not lazy, I’m just conserving energy for when it’s really necessary.

Life is like a hot bath, it feels good while you’re in it, but the longer you stay, the more wrinkled you get.

I wish I could Google the things I’ve misplaced in my life, like my keys and happiness.

I don’t need a superhero. I just need a funny sidekick.

Life is too short to be serious all the time. So, if you can’t laugh at yourself, call me, I’ll laugh at you.

I’m not a player, I just crush a lot. At Candy Crush.

Life is like a kaleidoscope, sometimes you have to twist it to see the beautiful patterns.

I’m not saying I’m Batman. I’m just saying no one has ever seen me and Batman in the same room.

Life is like a puzzle, you have to put the pieces together to see the bigger picture.

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are still under construction.

Life is too important to be taken seriously, so make sure to laugh and have fun along the way.

I’m not clumsy, I’m just on a mission to make gravity look stupid.

Life is too short to be taken seriously, so laugh your way through it.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

The key to happiness is a good sense of humor, and a huge pizza.

If life gives you lemons, squeeze them into your enemy’s eyes.

Why fit in when you were born to stand out? And possibly trip over something in the process.

Common sense is like deodorant – the people who need it the most never use it.

There is no better exercise for your laughs than smiling at someone who annoys you.

To err is human, to blame it on someone else is even more human.

Friendship is like peeing in your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

I am so cool that even ice cubes are jealous of me.

It’s not true that I have nothing to wear. I have plenty, it’s just that my closet is occupied by clothes I no longer fit into.

I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.

The only time success comes before work is in the dictionary, and in extremely lucky situations.

I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.

If sarcasm burned calories, I’d be a supermodel by now.

The secret to a successful life is to eat your dessert first, because who knows what the future holds?

Dance like nobody’s watching, and sing like your voice is an angel’s… even if you’re completely tone-deaf.

I always carry a pen in my pocket because you never know when you’ll need to write down a great idea on a napkin.

The best jokesters are those who can make themselves laugh without any effort.

Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.

The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe, eat cake.

A clear conscience is usually a sign of a bad memory.

I used to be indecisive. Now, I’m not so sure.

Don’t take life too seriously, nobody gets out alive anyway.

Life is like an ice cream cone – you have to lick it fast before it melts away.

There are two types of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data…

I’m not clumsy, I’m just a master of accidental acrobatics.

I’m as confused as a chameleon in a bag of Skittles.

Common sense is so rare these days, it should be classified as a superpower.

The best ideas come to you when you’re trying to fall asleep, but you’re too busy creating elaborate scenarios in your head.

The road to success is always under construction, so you better pack a lot of snacks.

If you think nobody cares, try missing a payment.

My brain has too many tabs open, and most of them are buffering.

Procrastination is like a credit card – it’s a lot of fun until you get the bill.

I may not be perfect, but at least I’m not you.

I love deadlines. I especially love the sound they make as they whiz by.

I’m not arguing, I’m just passionately explaining why I’m correct.

Common sense is like deodorant, the people who need it the most never use it.

If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.

Always follow your heart, but remember to bring your brain along for the ride.

I’m not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.

When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

The trouble with trouble is that it always starts as fun.

A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down.

Laughter is the sun that drives away the clouds of sadness.

Life is too short to be taken seriously – laugh it off!

A day without laughter is like a day without sunshine.

Smile, it’s the second-best thing you can do with your lips!

I never make the same mistake twice, I make it five or six times – just to be sure.

If life gives you lemons, make lemonade, and then find someone whose life gave them vodka and have a party!

The key to happiness is a good sense of humor and a poor memory.

I’m not clumsy, I’m just gravity-challenged.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique – just like everyone else.

For every minute you are angry, you lose 60 seconds of happiness. So laugh it out!

I can resist everything except temptation, and chocolate… and pizza!

I’m not addicted to chocolate, I just have a close relationship with it.

Be the reason someone smiles today – even if it’s because they tripped and fell!

Life is too short to worry about matching socks.

If stress burned calories, I’d be a supermodel by now.

Dear life, when I asked if my day could get any worse, it was a rhetorical question.

I may not be perfect, but at least I’m not fake.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

I may not be able to make everyone happy, but I can at least be the reason for someone’s laughter.

If at first, you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

I’m not clumsy, the floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the wall gets in my way.

If I won the lottery, the first thing I’d buy is a teleport machine, so I could avoid traffic forever.

You can’t make everybody happy, you’re not Nutella.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

I’m not late, I’m just fashionable on my own time.

Wine improves with age. I improve with wine.

I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

My doctor told me I shouldn’t indulge in too much wine and cheese. I have new doctor now.

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Do I run? Yes, out of time, patience, and money.

If common sense was common, everyone would have it.

I’m not short, I’m concentrated awesome.

I’m not lazy, I’m energy-efficient.

Exercise? I thought you said ‘extra fries.’

I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.

Happiness is like a unicorn – elusive, magical, and often mistaken for a mythical creature.

There are only two kinds of people in the world – those who love chocolate and liars.

Don’t let anyone treat you like a yellow Starburst. You are a pink Starburst!

I plan to procrastinate today, but somehow I just never get around to it.

I’m not multitasking, I’m just very efficient at doing nothing.

I could be a morning person, if morning happened around noon.

Life is like a hot bath – it feels good while you’re in it, but the longer you stay, the more wrinkled you get.

The secret to staying young is to keep a childlike sense of humor and never stop eating the ice cream.

People who say money can’t buy happiness have never tried buying a puppy.

Strong women become warriors in the face of breast cancer.

Breast cancer may bend us, but it will never break us.

The battle against breast cancer is fought with strength and hope.

I am not defined by breast cancer; I am defined by my strength.

Breast cancer may be a chapter in my life, but it will not be my whole story.

In the face of breast cancer, I am a warrior goddess.

Strength is not measured by the presence of breast cancer, but by our ability to keep fighting.

Breast cancer does not discriminate, but neither does our strength.

Behind every scar is a symbol of resilience.

Cancer cannot take away the fire within me.

I am not broken, I am battle-tested.

Breast cancer may have knocked me down, but I will always rise again.

My strength is my armor against breast cancer.

Breast cancer may be a dark cloud, but I am the storm that will conquer it.

Surviving breast cancer requires strength, but thriving after it requires courage.

Breast cancer is just another battle I am determined to win.

Cancer may try to diminish my strength, but it will only fuel my determination.

Breast cancer is a fight I refuse to lose.

Through the toughest battles, our strength shines brightest.

The power to conquer breast cancer resides within me.

Breast cancer is no match for the strength of a warrior.

Our scars are reminders of our strength and resilience.

Breast cancer does not define me, my strength does.

Strength is the foundation upon which we rebuild after breast cancer.

Cancer may weaken my body, but it can never touch my spirit.

With strength as our compass, we navigate the challenging journey of breast cancer.

Breast cancer survivors are living proof that strength beats cancer.

In our unity, we find strength against breast cancer.

In the face of breast cancer, we discover our true power.

With courage and resilience, we rise above the challenges of breast cancer.

Breast cancer is tough, but so are we.

Behind every breast cancer diagnosis is a warrior ready to fight.

Breast cancer may shake us, but it can never break our spirit.

Surviving breast cancer requires strength we never knew we had.

In the battle against breast cancer, we are our own heroes.

The strength to overcome breast cancer is within each and every one of us.

Breast cancer cannot take away our strength, our hope, our future.

The greatest discovery after breast cancer is the realization of our own strength.

In the face of adversity, our strength against breast cancer shines through.

Breast cancer pushes us to our limits, but our strength knows no bounds.

Breast cancer survivors are living proof that strength is the ultimate weapon.

Our scars are badges of courage earned in the fight against breast cancer.

Breast cancer does not break us, it only reveals our strength.

Strength is the key to unlocking our victory over breast cancer.

In the darkness of breast cancer, our strength becomes our guiding light.