Steven Wright Quotes

I believe anything is possible. I once saw a horse fly.

I have a fear of speed bumps…but I’m slowly getting over it.

I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.

Why do banks leave the door wide open but the pens chained to the counter?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards…I got a full house, and four people died.

I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

If at first you don’t succeed, don’t try skydiving.

I bought some instant water today, but I didn’t know what to add.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‘What for?’ I said, ‘I’m going to buy some sugar.’

I’m so broke, I can’t even pay attention.

I’m writing a book about reverse psychology. Please don’t read it.

I’m not a vegetarian, but I eat animals that are.

I got a garage door opener. It can’t close. Just open.

I’m addicted to placebos. I’d give them up, but it wouldn’t make a difference.

I have a map of the United States. It’s actual size. I spent the summer folding it.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, ‘Got any shoes you’re not using?’

I’m trying to find myself, but everywhere I look, there I am.

Why do they put Braille on drive-through bank machines?

I’m writing a book about how to procrastinate. Maybe I’ll finish it tomorrow.

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.

I don’t have a bank account because I don’t know my mother’s maiden name.

I’m allergic to sea food. When I see it, I eat it.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me.

I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.

I have a microwave fireplace. I can’t actually cook anything, but it looks nice.

I couldn’t repair my brakes, so I made my horn louder.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

I told my therapist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous, everyone hasn’t met me yet.

I’m a multi-tasking procrastinator. I can put off multiple things at once.

I invested in a balloon company, but it quickly deflated.

I used to be a baker until I didn’t make enough dough.

I have a dog with no nose. How does he smell? Terrible!

I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I wrote a song, but couldn’t find the right notes. I guess you could say it was out of tune.

I got a pair of camouflage trousers, but I couldn’t find any matching shoes.

I have a large seashell collection. It’s so big, I keep it on the beach.

I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying.

I saw a sign that said, ‘Watch for children.’ I thought, ‘That sounds like a fair trade.’

I have a hobby: collecting cacti. It’s an interesting plant to stick with.

I bought a dictionary that’s missing the beginning and end. It’s basically just words in the middle.

I lost my job at the opticians. I couldn’t see myself doing it anymore.

I’m friends with atheists, but I have no faith in them.

I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.

I gave up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pants on fire.

I had a job at a calendar factory but I got fired because I missed a couple of days.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.