Rodney Dangerfield Caddyshack Quotes

I tell ya, I was so poor growing up, if I wasn’t a boy, I’d have nothing to play with.

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex, her answer was ‘I don’t know, I never looked.’

I’m not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

I once asked my wife why I never find her in bed with another man. She said, ‘Because it’s more fun when you’re there!’

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. I bought a mirror.

Sleep is really important in my life. I can always find time for it when I’m at work.

I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous. Everyone hasn’t met me yet.

I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

Last week, my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

I once bought my kid a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, ‘Toys not included.’

On Halloween, the parents send their kids out looking like me.

I joined a mental institution last year. I told them I was hearing voices. They put me on hold.

I don’t get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician, I would be honest.

I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out.

I told my wife she should run for President. She said, ‘I’ll tell you what, you pretend I’m running for President and you run for your life!’

Yesterday, my wife told me I should drink my milk. She might be right, as I just found a cow on my lawn.

You have a face only a mother could love. Too bad you were such an ugly baby.

I was so depressed growing up, my imaginary friend left me for another kid.

Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.

I once asked a cop how far I could go with my bumper before it’s considered assault. He told me ‘thirty feet’.

I had a tough childhood. Once, for my birthday, I asked my parents if I could have a dog. They told me to go play with myself.

I once asked a bartender for a drink and he said, ‘Sure, what’s your poison?’ I said, ‘Compliments!’

My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

I’m so ugly, my proctologist said I had a face and a backside only a mother could love.

I have good-looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

I once asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me. She said, ‘No, not even when we were first married.’

I went to a nudist colony and saw things that I didn’t even know existed.

When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, ‘I’m very sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through.’

Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: ‘Basement?’

When I was born, I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I’ll tell ya, divorce is terrible. My ex-wife even moved her mother into our house. An operation like that, it’s like open-heart surgery.

When I was a kid, my grandmother was attacked by a wolf. My parents asked what she was doing in the backyard.

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the frozen lake. He told me, ‘Wait till it gets warmer.’

I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.

I told my wife she was lousy in bed. She said, ‘Oh, you’re just saying that to get out of doing the dishes.’

I’ll tell ya, my wife and I, we don’t think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

I bought a perfect second-hand car. As soon as I got home, it broke down.

My psychiatrist told me I’m going crazy. I told him, ‘If you don’t mind, I’d like a second opinion.’ He said, ‘Alright, you’re ugly too!’

My wife drives me to drink. Of course, I don’t mind, ’cause I need a ride home!

I tell ya, I’m not a good lover. I once caught my wife in bed with another man, and I was like, ‘Hey, get off my side!’

I’ll tell ya, my wife and I, we don’t think alike. She likes to plan ahead, and I like to keep on my toes.

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