Norm MacDonald Quotes – A Collection of Unforgettable Wit and Humor

They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but I think parody is even better.

I’ve always believed that honesty is the best policy, unless you’re a lawyer.

You know you’re getting old when you start using phrases like ‘back in my day.’

In life, you have to make choices. Like whether to have a donut or a piece of fruit. And then, of course, whether to regret that choice.

I’m not a fan of technology. I mean, what’s the point of having a phone that fits in your pocket if you don’t have any friends to call?

They say laughter is the best medicine, but I prefer whiskey.

I don’t believe in astrology. I mean, how can the position of planets determine my future? If that were true, I’d be the king of Mars by now.

I tried to be a vegetarian once, but then I realized that bacon exists.

If life gives you lemons, squeeze them into someone’s eye.

I’m not saying I’m a hypochondriac, but I have a fear of doctors called ‘white-coatphobia.’

Life is like a box of chocolates, except someone took all the good ones and left you with only the coconut-filled ones.

I once told a joke so funny, I made myself laugh. And then I was alone, laughing at myself. It was a sad moment.

They say money doesn’t buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Ferrari than on a bicycle.

If at first, you don’t succeed, then maybe you’re just not meant to succeed. Have you ever thought about that?

I’m not a procrastinator, I’m just waiting for the perfect moment – which may or may not ever come.

Getting older is like a game of hide and seek, except you’re always the seeker and your memory is the hider.

Some people say I have a dark sense of humor, but I prefer to think of it as a light in the darkness.

Why do we park in driveways and drive on parkways? These are life’s great mysteries.

I’ve always wanted to be a superhero, but I can’t decide on a superpower. Indecision man – that could be my superhero name.

I’m not a doctor, but I play one in my nightmares.

You know you’re getting old when you start looking forward to napping.

I’ve been called a lot of things in my life, but ‘mature’ is not one of them.

They say that laughter is contagious, but so is yawning. So basically, I’m spreading yawns wherever I go.

I’ve always been told that honesty is the best policy, so here’s the truth: I’m only telling you this because I know you won’t remember it.

They say time flies when you’re having fun, but it also flies when you’re procrastinating.

I don’t trust people who don’t like cookies. It’s a red flag.

The key to a successful relationship is communication, but it’s also being really good at rock-paper-scissors.

I love exercise. I could watch people do it all day.

I’ve always been told that honesty is the best policy. Well, that and ‘Never eat yellow snow.’

My favorite kind of party is a pity party. No one ever shows up, but at least I get all the ice cream cake.

You know you’re getting old when you start thinking that concerts are too loud, and people are too young.

I’m not a morning person. In fact, I’m not even a person in the morning.

I’ve been called a dreamer, but really I’m just a professional napper.

They say laughter is the best medicine, but I prefer to overdose on chocolate.

I’m not superstitious, but sometimes I knock on wood just to be on the safe side.

I’ve always believed that life is a journey, but sometimes it feels more like a marathon – and I’m wearing flip flops.

I have a lot of goals in life, but my biggest one is to make it through a yoga class without falling asleep.

They say you can’t buy happiness, but have you ever tried buying a donut? It’s pretty close.

I’ve always been told to ‘follow my dreams,’ but last night I dreamt that I was being chased by a giant donut. So maybe that advice is flawed.

I’m not afraid of heights. I’m afraid of falling from heights. There’s a subtle difference.

My favorite time of day is nap time. Actually, my favorite time of day is any time that’s not nap time.

I’ve always believed that life is a roller coaster, but sometimes it feels more like a merry-go-round – going round and round, but never really going anywhere.

I’m not a morning person. I’m more of a ‘why is morning a thing’ person.

They say the early bird gets the worm, but I prefer to let the bird have the worm. I’m not a fan of wiggly things.

I’ve always believed that laughter is the best medicine, but if laughter doesn’t work, I’ll take a double dose of chocolate.

I’m not a picky eater, but I do have a long list of foods that I won’t eat. It’s called everything.

They say ‘practice makes perfect,’ but I prefer ‘practice makes me tired.’

I’ve always believed that life is a balance, but sometimes it feels more like a tightrope – and I’m wearing clown shoes.

I’m not a morning person. I’m more of a ‘morning can wait’ person.

They say that life is a journey, but sometimes it feels more like a really long traffic jam.

  • Pinterest


  • Linkedin


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Our Latest Posts

Brene Brown Quotes on Shame

Shame is the most powerful master emotion. It’s the fear that we aren’t good enough. Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we

Read More

Boat Sayings – Nautical Wisdom and Sailing Quotes

Smooth sailing The boat never sails itself A boat is freedom on water Life is better on a boat Adventure awaits on the open water

Read More

Find the Best Car Insurance Quotes in Colorado Springs

Protect your ride with the best car insurance quotes in Colorado Springs. Safeguard your vehicle with affordable car insurance quotes in Colorado Springs. Hit the

Read More

Lion Motivation Quotes

A lion does not lose sleep over the opinions of sheep. Roar loud, roar proud. Don’t be a sheep, be a lion. The lion never

Read More

Most popular posts

Birdcage Quotes – Inspiring Words from the Avian World

A bird in a cage still dreams of the sky. Freedom is like wings to a bird, it’s meant to soar. A bird confined to

Read More

Positive Affirmations, Rule and Inspiring Quotes #2932

Facebook 0 Pinterest 0 Twitter Linkedin 0

Read More

Cute Cooking Quotes

Cooking is love made visible. The secret ingredient in any recipe is love. Food is the ultimate expression of affection. Cooking is my therapy, and

Read More

Self-Love – Maya Angelou Quotes

You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anyone. Loving oneself is the ultimate rebellion against self-doubt. You are a masterpiece, a work

Read More