Norm MacDonald Quotes – A Collection of Unforgettable Wit and Humor

They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but I think parody is even better.

I’ve always believed that honesty is the best policy, unless you’re a lawyer.

You know you’re getting old when you start using phrases like ‘back in my day.’

In life, you have to make choices. Like whether to have a donut or a piece of fruit. And then, of course, whether to regret that choice.

I’m not a fan of technology. I mean, what’s the point of having a phone that fits in your pocket if you don’t have any friends to call?

They say laughter is the best medicine, but I prefer whiskey.

I don’t believe in astrology. I mean, how can the position of planets determine my future? If that were true, I’d be the king of Mars by now.

I tried to be a vegetarian once, but then I realized that bacon exists.

If life gives you lemons, squeeze them into someone’s eye.

I’m not saying I’m a hypochondriac, but I have a fear of doctors called ‘white-coatphobia.’

Life is like a box of chocolates, except someone took all the good ones and left you with only the coconut-filled ones.

I once told a joke so funny, I made myself laugh. And then I was alone, laughing at myself. It was a sad moment.

They say money doesn’t buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Ferrari than on a bicycle.

If at first, you don’t succeed, then maybe you’re just not meant to succeed. Have you ever thought about that?

I’m not a procrastinator, I’m just waiting for the perfect moment – which may or may not ever come.

Getting older is like a game of hide and seek, except you’re always the seeker and your memory is the hider.

Some people say I have a dark sense of humor, but I prefer to think of it as a light in the darkness.

Why do we park in driveways and drive on parkways? These are life’s great mysteries.

I’ve always wanted to be a superhero, but I can’t decide on a superpower. Indecision man – that could be my superhero name.

I’m not a doctor, but I play one in my nightmares.

You know you’re getting old when you start looking forward to napping.

I’ve been called a lot of things in my life, but ‘mature’ is not one of them.

They say that laughter is contagious, but so is yawning. So basically, I’m spreading yawns wherever I go.

I’ve always been told that honesty is the best policy, so here’s the truth: I’m only telling you this because I know you won’t remember it.

They say time flies when you’re having fun, but it also flies when you’re procrastinating.

I don’t trust people who don’t like cookies. It’s a red flag.

The key to a successful relationship is communication, but it’s also being really good at rock-paper-scissors.

I love exercise. I could watch people do it all day.

I’ve always been told that honesty is the best policy. Well, that and ‘Never eat yellow snow.’

My favorite kind of party is a pity party. No one ever shows up, but at least I get all the ice cream cake.

You know you’re getting old when you start thinking that concerts are too loud, and people are too young.

I’m not a morning person. In fact, I’m not even a person in the morning.

I’ve been called a dreamer, but really I’m just a professional napper.

They say laughter is the best medicine, but I prefer to overdose on chocolate.

I’m not superstitious, but sometimes I knock on wood just to be on the safe side.

I’ve always believed that life is a journey, but sometimes it feels more like a marathon – and I’m wearing flip flops.

I have a lot of goals in life, but my biggest one is to make it through a yoga class without falling asleep.

They say you can’t buy happiness, but have you ever tried buying a donut? It’s pretty close.

I’ve always been told to ‘follow my dreams,’ but last night I dreamt that I was being chased by a giant donut. So maybe that advice is flawed.

I’m not afraid of heights. I’m afraid of falling from heights. There’s a subtle difference.

My favorite time of day is nap time. Actually, my favorite time of day is any time that’s not nap time.

I’ve always believed that life is a roller coaster, but sometimes it feels more like a merry-go-round – going round and round, but never really going anywhere.

I’m not a morning person. I’m more of a ‘why is morning a thing’ person.

They say the early bird gets the worm, but I prefer to let the bird have the worm. I’m not a fan of wiggly things.

I’ve always believed that laughter is the best medicine, but if laughter doesn’t work, I’ll take a double dose of chocolate.

I’m not a picky eater, but I do have a long list of foods that I won’t eat. It’s called everything.

They say ‘practice makes perfect,’ but I prefer ‘practice makes me tired.’

I’ve always believed that life is a balance, but sometimes it feels more like a tightrope – and I’m wearing clown shoes.

I’m not a morning person. I’m more of a ‘morning can wait’ person.

They say that life is a journey, but sometimes it feels more like a really long traffic jam.