I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, but if the white runs out, I’ll drink the red.
Santa saw your Instagram pictures, and now you’re getting clothes and a Bible for Christmas.
Dear Santa, define ‘nice.’
Christmas calories don’t count, right?
The only fruitcake I like is the one I’m not receiving for Christmas.
Christmas is the time of year when everyone gets their ‘elf’ together.
Rudolph has a shiny nose because he’s been taking selfies with the flash on.
I love Christmas so much, I wish it lasted all year round… said no retail worker ever.
If you think I’m getting you a present this year, you’ve got another thing ho-ho-ho-ing.
Christmas is the one time of year when I’m accepted for being a ‘fruitcake.’
The best way to spread Christmas cheer is throwing snowballs at people’s heads.
Sending Christmas cards is like a game of ‘Guess Who’ – who remembers who you are?
Christmas is the only time of year when it’s acceptable to wear an ugly sweater and call it fashion.
The Grinch is my spirit animal.
Christmas shopping is just a way to test how much you love your friends and family.
You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger.
Christmas is the perfect time to wine and dine… well, mostly just wine.
Santa’s naughty list is my bucket list.
Nothing says Christmas like a toddler screaming in the toy store.
Anyone who says ‘money can’t buy happiness’ clearly hasn’t tried buying Christmas presents.
Christmas is like a job interview – you have to make a good first impression to get good presents.
The best Christmas present is the one you can’t return – a sibling.
Santa’s elves are just a bunch of overworked, underpaid minions.
Christmas trees are just pineapples that haven’t reached their full potential.
Christmas is the time to eat cookies, drink hot cocoa, and pretend vegetables don’t exist.
I’m not Santa, but you can still sit on my lap.
Dear Santa, I can explain…
The only thing getting ‘lit’ this Christmas is the Christmas tree.
My Christmas wish is for a fat bank account and a thin waistline. Let’s see who laughs first.
I asked Santa for a 6-pack for Christmas, and he gave me a half-empty beer.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year… well, most of the time… fine, once… never mind, I’ll buy my own presents.
Christmas lights are like my paycheck – it’s never enough, and sometimes they flicker.
The worst part about the holiday season? Pretending to like co-workers’ homemade fruitcakes.
Christmas is a time for giving… gift cards because picking out the right present is too hard.
Christmas is the only time of year when you can bake cookies in the shape of a tree and it’s perfectly normal.
Santa should hire a millennial as his public relations officer – we’d turn his ‘ho ho ho’ into a viral TikTok dance.
Christmas is the season to be jolly, but my bank account didn’t get the memo.
If your Christmas lights don’t make your neighbors question their existence, you’re doing it wrong.
Forget the mistletoe, I’m hanging a ‘no guests allowed’ sign this year.
My wish list for Christmas is just a copy of my Amazon cart.
The best present you can give someone this Christmas is your absence.
Christmas morning is like a marathon – except instead of running, you’re unwrapping presents while still half-asleep.
Dear Santa, I can explain this entire year… but it might take a few more cookies.
Christmas is the time of year when everyone believes in the magic of a credit card with no limit.
Who needs Santa when you have Amazon Prime?
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