Laugh out loud with these hilarious quotes!

I asked the librarian if she had a book on paranoia, she leaned in close and whispered, ‘They’re right behind you.’

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!

I wouldn’t say I’m a morning person, but I’m definitely not a mourning person. I leave that to the zombies.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!

They say laughter is the best medicine, but if you laugh for no reason, you need medicine.

My bank account is a like a 3D movie. There’s always something popping out that I didn’t expect.

I broke my pencil today and it drew blood. Now I understand why they’re called stationary.

Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts!

I made a pencil with two erasers, but it was pointless.

Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!

I was going to tell a joke about infinity, but then I realized it has no end.

I got expelled from math class for staring too long at my X.

You can’t run through a campground. You can only ‘ran,’ because it’s always past tents.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

Laugh out loud with these hilarious quotes! part 2

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of credit card payments.

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!

I’m not clumsy, it’s just that the floor hates me, tables and chairs attack me, and walls get in my way.

Why don’t eggs tell jokes? Because they might crack up!

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory.

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.

I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

I’m not clumsy, it’s just that the floor hates me, tables and chairs attack me, and walls get in my way.

Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts!

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

Why don’t eggs tell jokes? Because they might crack up!

Laughter is like a windshield wiper, it doesn’t stop the rain but allows us to keep going.

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

I’m so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed.

I stopped fighting my inner demons. We’re on the same side now. Planning world domination.

You know you’re getting old when you bend down to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

I don’t need anger management; I need people to stop irritating me.

Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they would be bagels!

I once had a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

My wife told me I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.

I didn’t want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.