Judge Smails Quotes – Insightful and Memorable Lines from Caddyshack’s Iconic Character

Well, the world needs ditch diggers too.

Be the ball.

I’ve sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn’t want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.

You know, you should play with Dr. Beeper and myself. I mean, he’s been club champion for three years running and I’m no slouch myself.

There are no friends on the golf course.

You don’t have to go looking for trouble. Trouble usually finds you.

That’s right, the world needs ditch diggers.

Golf is not a game of great shots. It’s a game of the most misses. The people who win are the people who miss the least.

Golf has been good to me, and I think I’ve been good to golf.

A clean conscience makes a soft pillow.

Spaulding, I want a hamburger, no cheese. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake. I want potato chips …

I know, you’re a caddie. You’re not allowed to carry a bag that heavy. So I’ll tell you what. You can carry my clubs to the parking lot.

Do you know what the penalty is for a neglected putt?

You’re not much of a drinker are you, kid?

You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours.

The important thing is that today it’s a useful object … when you eat, you push this button, here.

The last time I played golf with the Iron Sheik, he took my hand and bent all my fingers backward.

I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas.

I thought you’d be bigger.

I like you, Betty. You remind me of my mother. I HATED my mother.

Ah, the classic good guy versus bad boy scenario.

Diehl. Dead. At 23 – drug overdose.

I never keep score.

What an incredible Cinderella story. Now what would you call that?

Where’d it go?

Spaulding, get your foot off the boat.

Oh, this is the worst-looking hat I ever saw. What, when you buy a hat like this, I bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh? Oh, it looks good on you though!

You have no idea what they are costin’ me.

You’re a lot of woman, you know that? Yeah, wanna make 14 dollars the hard way?


I didn’t connect.

Noonan, you’re not listening.

This place got a pool?

The world needs more therapists and fewer golfers.

I owe you nothing.

How would you like to mow my lawn?

This is your father’s funeral! Judge Smails: Well, my uncle, he’s a little tough.

The greatest game ever played.

No bell is gonna ring, nephew. He’s gonna throw a hand grenade through the window.

We received a call course alligator took a tourist.

It is easy to grin when your ship comes in and you’ve got the stock market beat.

You know, you’re very smart, aren’t ya? I just don’t understand why nothing you’ve done in your lifetime has worked.

So we could put you on a tree-spade and shoot you to the middle of the earth.

Remember Danny, two wrongs don’t make a right, but three rights make a left.

Because, you see, when you’re a judge, you have to be able to handle anything. Poise! That’s what it’s all about. Poise.

Remember Danny, there’s no bad weather, just the wrong clothes.

How are you today? Ruthless and avaricious.

You were born to play golf. Especially with me.

Where did you go? NO WAY!!!

Hey, you scratched my anchor.

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