John Oliver’s Memorable Quotes from Last Week Tonight

If you don’t give a damn about the news, you’re basically living in a crime scene and you’re the murderer.

You can’t just sprinkle poop on top of garbage and call it a chocolate cake. That’s just a shitty cake.

Being a news anchor is like being a waiter in a restaurant where every patron is an a**hole.

We don’t just report on the crazy sh*t that happens in the world, we also provide the much-needed sarcasm.

We’re the therapists who tell you about the world’s problems and then remind you to stock up on wine.

I’m not a conspiracy theorist, but I do believe that most conspiracy theories are created by lazy journalists who don’t want to do their research.

If you think ignorance is bliss, try watching the news for a day. It’s like a crash course in everything that’s wrong with the world.

News is like salad dressing – it’s supposed to enhance the flavor of the facts, not drown them in a sea of BS.

If you don’t like the news, just remember that it’s like a public service announcement for idiots.

The only thing worse than a corrupt politician is a politician who thinks they’re a comedian.

Some people say laughter is the best medicine. Well, we’re like the doctors who give you a bitter pill, but at least we make it taste funny.

Journalism is like playing chess with the truth – you have to think several moves ahead to uncover the real story.

Staying informed is like trying to swim against a tsunami of stupidity, but every now and then, you come across a floating piece of common sense.

The best thing about my job is that I get to make fun of people who deserve it. The worst thing is that there’s never a shortage of deserving targets.

News is like a rollercoaster ride – you scream in terror, but you secretly enjoy it.

If ignorance is bliss, then my job is to make you miserable.

News anchors are like superheroes – we wear suits, have our own theme song, and save the world from stupidity.

If sarcasm was an Olympic sport, I would have so many gold medals, they would have to create a new category just for me.

I don’t always watch the news, but when I do, I make sure to have a bottle of whiskey nearby.

Behind every great news anchor is a team of writers who are just as cynical and jaded as they are.

If stupidity was a currency, the world would be a very rich place.

I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again – politicians are like diapers; they need to be changed often, and for the same reason.

News is like a bad ex – it’s always there, making your life miserable, and you can’t escape it.

They say knowledge is power, but in the age of fake news, it’s more like a superpower.

I don’t trust news sources that don’t make me simultaneously laugh and cry.

Journalism is like running a marathon – you have to pace yourself, stay hydrated, and hope that the finish line isn’t a cliff.

If you’re looking for unbiased news, good luck – it’s like searching for a unicorn in a sea of internet trolls.

Being a news anchor is like being a lion tamer – you never know when the next crazy politician is going to try to eat you alive.

The only thing more satisfying than exposing a corrupt politician is seeing them squirm when they realize they’ve been caught.

News anchors are like modern-day fortune tellers – we predict the future, but instead of crystal balls, we use research and common sense.

Journalism is like being a detective – you have to dig deep, follow the clues, and avoid being killed by the bad guys.

I don’t always have the answers, but I do have a lot of questions, and that’s a start.

News is like a reality show – it’s entertaining, absurd, and makes you question why you’re watching in the first place.

Being a news anchor is like being a therapist – we listen to people’s problems and provide them with a healthy dose of reality.

If ignorance is bliss, then I’m the bringer of enlightenment, and my job is to ruin your day.

Journalism is the art of asking the tough questions, even when you know you won’t like the answers.

News anchors are like comedians – we make people laugh, but instead of punchlines, we use facts and statistics.

The news is like a buffet – there’s a lot of good stuff, but you have to be careful not to overdose on the crazy.

Being a news anchor is like being a referee in a game where everyone cheats and the audience boos you no matter what.

The news is like a soap opera – it’s full of drama, betrayal, and plot twists, but most importantly, it keeps you coming back for more.

Journalism is like being a detective – you uncover the truth, even if it means pissing off powerful people.

News anchors are like soldiers on the frontlines of information – we fight against ignorance and misinformation, armed with facts and a healthy dose of sarcasm.

If you want to know what’s truly going on in the world, don’t trust the news – trust your own curiosity and critical thinking.

Being a news anchor is like being a professional reality checker – we separate fact from fiction, so you don’t have to.

The news is like a never-ending horror movie – just when you think you’ve seen the worst, something even more terrifying comes along.

Journalism is like playing the piano – you have to hit the right notes and keep the rhythm, even when the music is chaotic.

News anchors are like truth warriors – we fight against ignorance and deception, armed with nothing more than a microphone and a sense of humor.

If being a news anchor was easy, everyone would do it. But it takes a special kind of person to stay informed and stay sane.

The news is like a puzzle – sometimes the pieces fit perfectly, and sometimes you have to force them together to make sense of the chaos.

Journalism is like being a storyteller, but instead of fairy tales and happy endings, we tell the stories that need to be told, even if they make you uncomfortable.