Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. And then you die. What’s that? A bonus?

I was the best man at the wedding. If I’m the best man, why is she marrying him?

You know you’re getting old when you bend down to tie your shoe and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

I only wash my hands after I’ve eaten. I mean, how dirty can they be before that?

I’m a master of the high five. I high-five all the time. In fact, I high-five myself when no one else is around.

I don’t need a therapist. I need a cheat sheet for life.

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

If a book about failures does well, is it a success?

I’m not a hoarder. I just have a really, really large collection of things I might need someday.

You know you’re getting old when you look back on your high school days and wonder how you ever survived all that drama.

I don’t understand why people say ‘tuna fish’. Is there a tuna bird or a tuna cat?

I’ve always wanted to be the guy who gets the last laugh, but I guess I’ll settle for being the guy who laughs too soon.

I never feel more alive than when I’m trying to remember something I just forgot.

I saw a sign that said ‘Watch for children.’ I thought, that sounds like a fair trade.

I always say ‘Hello’ to dogs. It’s good practice for when I have to talk to people.

I’m not a morning person. In fact, I’m not even a person until I’ve had my coffee.

I don’t get why they say ‘break a leg’ for good luck. I mean, what if you actually break a leg? That’s not lucky at all.

The worst thing about being single is that you can’t blame anyone else for your unhappiness. It’s all on you.

I don’t understand why people say ‘could care less’ when they mean ‘couldn’t care less’. It’s like they’re purposely confusing everyone.

I hate when people ask me what I’m doing tomorrow. I don’t even know what I’m doing right now.

I had a dream that all of my clothes shrunk in the wash. Turns out, it was just the dryer.

There should be a better word for ‘awkward’. ‘Awkward’ is just too…awkward.

I’ve never seen a sad person on a jet ski. It’s impossible to be sad while riding a jet ski.

I don’t understand people who say they ‘love to sleep’. I mean, what’s so great about doing nothing for hours at a time?

I’ve never understood the appeal of skydiving. I’m already scared enough of things that can go wrong on the ground.

Why do they call it ‘new and improved’? If it’s new, it can’t be improved. And if it’s improved, it can’t be new.

I always feel like I’m forgetting something. And then I remember that I’m forgetting something.

If I were a superhero, my power would be the ability to eat unlimited amounts of ice cream without gaining weight.

I don’t understand why people buy expensive watches. I can tell the time just fine with my phone.

I’ve never understood why people think sarcasm is a bad thing. It’s like they don’t appreciate the art of mockery.

There’s nothing more satisfying than finding the perfect parking spot. It’s a small victory in the chaos of life.

I don’t get why they call it ‘fast food’. It’s not like the food is going anywhere.

You know it’s going to be a bad day when your cat looks at you like you just ruined its life.

I always pretend to be on the phone when I’m in a crowded elevator. It’s a great way to avoid eye contact.

I don’t understand why people say ‘less is more’. Have they ever tried eating less pizza and realized it’s not more?

I wish I could be one of those people who says ‘I don’t watch TV’ and actually mean it.

I don’t mind waiting in line. It gives me time to practice my imaginary arguments.

I can’t stand people who talk during movies. It’s like they don’t realize they’re ruining the experience for everyone else.

I don’t know why they call it ‘social media’. Most of the time, I’m just sitting alone on my couch.

I don’t understand why people say ‘I’ll sleep when I’m dead’. Sleep is one of life’s greatest pleasures.

I’ll never understand the people who only order salad at a restaurant. If I wanted to eat a bowl of leaves, I’d go to a forest.

I don’t get why they call it ‘rush hour’ when nobody moves. It should be called ‘standstill hour’.

I’m convinced that the dryer eats one sock from every pair. It’s the only logical explanation.

I don’t understand people who say they ‘hate small talk’. How else are you supposed to avoid awkward silences?

I don’t understand why people say ‘less is more’. Have they ever tried eating less pizza and realized it’s not more?

I wish I could be one of those people who says ‘I don’t watch TV’ and actually mean it.

I don’t mind waiting in line. It gives me time to practice my imaginary arguments.

I can’t stand people who talk during movies. It’s like they don’t realize they’re ruining the experience for everyone else.

I don’t know why they call it ‘social media’. Most of the time, I’m just sitting alone on my couch.

I don’t understand why people say ‘I’ll sleep when I’m dead’. Sleep is one of life’s greatest pleasures.