I always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, and 5% on Friday.
The only thing I learn from history class is that even the smartest people can make really dumb decisions.
I’m not a doctor, but I can give you a completely inaccurate and unsolicited medical opinion.
My favorite type of music is songs that you can’t understand the lyrics to or the name of the artist.
I love how the internet has given all of us a voice, but hate how most of those voices have nothing important to say.
The best way to find something you’ve lost is to buy a replacement for it.
The secret to success is knowing when to pretend you know what you’re doing.
I can’t help but laugh when someone tells me to ‘just relax’ during a stressful situation.
I enjoy long walks on the beach, but only if someone else is carrying me.
If you’re looking for a perfect person, keep looking. I’m perfectly imperfect.
I find it ironic that the only thing I have in common with supermodels is the ability to wear clothes.
I’m really good at procrastinating, but I never seem to find the time to improve my skills.
The only thing I’m consistent with is being inconsistent.
I’m living proof that anyone can survive on coffee and sarcasm.
Storms make trees take deeper roots, but they also make me take a nap.
If life hands you lemons, squeeze them into a margarita and pretend that everything is fine.
Behind every successful person is a whole lot of coffee.
I’m not saying I’m a superhero, but have you ever seen me and Batman in the same room?
I have a love-hate relationship with money. I love having it, but hate not having enough of it.
The best way to make your dreams come true is to wake up and forget about them.
I’m a firm believer in karma, which is why I avoid dating anyone with the same name as my ex.
Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair.
I’m not lazy, I’m just conserving energy for when I’ll need it later.
I’m not clumsy, I’m just on a first-name basis with the floor.
I don’t need a personal trainer; my microwave has a ‘popcorn’ button.
The only math I’m good at is counting down the days until the weekend.
I don’t have the time or the crayons to explain this to you.
I’m not a morning person, but I am a snooze-button enthusiast.
I have a lot of hobbies, but my favorite one is complaining.
Someone asked me if I ever smile. I responded, ‘I’m smiling on the inside.’
I’ve learned that money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy me a whole lot of chocolate.
I’m an expert in overthinking and inappropriate laughter.
I have a black belt in shopping, but my wallet thinks I need more training.
I don’t drink to impress, I drink to forget that I’m unimpressive.
I’m not aging, I’m just leveling up.
I don’t have a bucket list, but I do have a ‘fuck it’ list.
I always say what I mean, but I don’t always mean what I say.
I’m not a pessimist, I’m just a realist with trust issues.
If sarcasm burned calories, I’d be the fittest person on the planet.
I don’t need the last word; I just need to take a nap.
I’m totally fine with being single, as long as I have Netflix and snacks.
The only thing more annoying than people who don’t listen is people who never shut up.
I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
I’m not ashamed of my past; it’s just a constant source of embarrassment.
I don’t need a personal trainer; I need a personal pizza and someone to rub my feet.
Normality is just a paved road. I prefer taking the off-road of weirdness.
I’m not a morning person; I’m a ‘why-is-the-sun-allowed-to-be-so-bright’ person.
I’m not a shopaholic; I’m just helping the economy.
If procrastination was an Olympic sport, I’d definitely be a gold medalist.
I’m not saying I’m indecisive, but I can’t even pick a favorite color.