I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.
I talk a lot, so I’ve learned to just tune myself out.
I’m not lazy. I’m just conserving energy.
I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.
I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.
I pretend to work until the Friday drinks cart comes around.
Coffee: because adulting is hard.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me lazy, I’d probably hire someone to pick up all the dollars I made.
I’m not late, I just prefer the scenic route to my desk.
I would exercise, but it makes me spill my wine.
I’m not bossy, I just have better ideas.
I don’t get drunk, I get awesome.
The only thing I’m committed to right now is avoiding work.
I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.
I don’t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.
If sarcasm burned calories, I’d be a supermodel.
I’m not clumsy, I’m just testing gravity.
My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.
I don’t need a gym membership, my desk chair has wheels.
I’m not a morning person, I’m an all-day-hater.
I’m not being rude, I’m just saying what everyone else is thinking.
I’m not losing weight, I’m just getting rid of excess awesomeness.
Coffee: because adulting is hard.
My body is not a temple, it’s a mini-mart with beer.
I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode.
I’m not ignoring you, I’m just prioritizing my time accordingly.
I’m not short-tempered, I’m just on a mission to eradicate stupidity.
I don’t have a problem with caffeine, I have a problem without it.
I don’t need a personal trainer, I need someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy snacks out of my hand.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me lazy, I’d probably hire someone to pick up all the dollars I made.
I’m not lazy, I’m just actively in energy-saving mode.
I’m not arguing, I’m simply explaining why I’m right.
I don’t need anger management, I need people to stop pissing me off.
I’m not hard to understand, you’re just easy to confuse.
I would exercise, but it makes me spill my margarita.
Don’t mistake my efficiency for laziness.
I’m not always late, but when I am, I make it look fashionable.
I’m not antisocial, I’m selectively social.
I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.
There’s no ‘I’ in ‘team’, but there is a ‘U’ in ‘useless co-worker’.
My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.
Office parties: the perfect opportunity to mingle with people you avoid during work hours.
I don’t need a gym membership, my office chair has wheels.
I can’t adult today, please don’t make me adult.
If only I could get paid to look busy, I’d be a billionaire.
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