Groucho Marx Quotes

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

I have nothing but confidence in you… and very little of that.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

I’ve been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

I have nothing but confidence in you… and very little of that.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go into the library and read a good book.

I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.

I remember the first time I had sex – I kept the receipt.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

If you’re not having fun, you’re doing something wrong.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

I’m not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.

I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal.

I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.

I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book.

I never forget a face, but in your case, I’d be glad to make an exception.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

I find that a great part of the information I have was acquired by looking up something and finding something else on the way.

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

I’m not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.

I could dance with you till the cows come home. On second thought, I’d rather dance with the cows till you come home.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

Quote me as saying I was misquoted.

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Humor is reason gone mad.

I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

I’m leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it’s not raining.

I , not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.

If you’ve heard this story before, don’t stop me, because I’d like to hear it again.