Gretchen Wieners Quotes

Ex-boyfriends are just off-limits to friends. I mean, that’s just, like, the rules of feminism!

I can’t help it if I have a heavy flow and a wide-set vagina!

And on Wednesdays, we wear pink!

Sorry, we only carry sizes one, three, and five. You could try Sears.

I have a fifth sense. It’s like I have ESPN or something.

I’m sorry that people are so jealous of me. But I can’t help it that I’m popular.

Made out with a hotdog? Oh my God, that was one time!

I’m not like a regular mom, I’m a cool mom.

I’m such a good friend, I would never tell anyone that you got a nose job.

Is butter a carb?

I’m not a regular gossip, I’m a cool gossip.

I don’t hate you because you’re fat. You’re fat because I hate you.

I don’t think my father, the inventor of Toaster Strudel, would be too pleased to hear about this.

I’m not stupid. I’m mathematically challenged.

Oh my God, Danny DeVito! I love your work!

I can’t go to Taco Bell. I’m on an all-carb diet! God, Karen, you are so stupid!

I’m really sorry about all the rumors I’ve started about you. I honestly don’t know why I did it.

I can’t believe you think I like you because I’m nice to you!

You know who’s looking fine tonight? Seth Mosakowski.

Oh my God, I love your skirt! Where did you get it?

You smell like a baby prostitute.

I wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school. I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy…

I can’t help it if I’m popular.

You can’t sit with us!

That’s why her hair is so big—it’s full of secrets!

I don’t want to be Rachel’s backup. I want to be her friend.

Why should Caesar get to stomp around like a giant while the rest of us try not to get smushed under his big feet?

On October 3rd, he asked me what day it was. It’s October 3rd.

You go, Glenn Coco!

I’m a mouse, duh.

Is there alcohol in this? Oh, God, honey, no!

I can’t lose weight because I’m retaining water.

I can’t wear a tank top…I have man shoulders.

I heard Damien has a huge…lunchbox.

Nice wig, Janis. What’s it made of? Your mom’s chest hair?

I’m sorry I called you a gap-toothed bitch. It’s not your fault you’re so gap-toothed.

I know having a boyfriend might distract me from my goals, but that doesn’t mean I can’t have one.

If everyone just kissed and made up, right now, it would make me so much happier.

I’m not a regular bitch, I’m a cool bitch.

I know she’s kind of socially retarded and weird, but she’s my friend… so, just promise me you won’t make fun of her!

I don’t want to be queen bee—I want to be perfectly content and fulfilled in my own life.

I can’t go out tonight. I’m practicing for the talent show. – You’re a Mathlete, not a football player!

I can’t wear hoop earrings. They make my face look fat.

I’m not a regular teenager, I’m a cool teenager.

I’m sorry I laughed at you that time you got diarrhea at Barnes & Noble. And I’m sorry for telling everyone about it. And I’m sorry for repeating it now.

You can’t preach girl power and not practice it in your own life!

Oh my God, I love your shoes! Where’d you get ’em?

I don’t try to make fetch happen. It’s not going to happen!

I don’t think my father, the inventor of Toaster Strudel, would be too happy to hear about this.

You don’t have to dumb yourself down to be someone else’s idea of beautiful.