George Carlin Quotes

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things. – George Carlin

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town. – George Carlin

The reason I talk to myself is that I’m the only one whose answers I accept. – George Carlin

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? – George Carlin

When you’re born, you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat. – George Carlin

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that. – George Carlin

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. – George Carlin

Atheism is a non-prophet organization. – George Carlin

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work. – George Carlin

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. – George Carlin

If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work. – George Carlin

Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it. – George Carlin

What year did Jesus think it was? – George Carlin

Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are even stupider! – George Carlin

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? – George Carlin

The planet is fine. The people are fucked. – George Carlin

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it. – George Carlin

You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up. – George Carlin

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. – George Carlin

Bipartisan usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out. – George Carlin

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. – George Carlin

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town. – George Carlin

I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. – George Carlin

If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten. – George Carlin

The reason I talk to myself is that I’m the only one whose answers I accept. – George Carlin

If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re going to get selfish, ignorant leaders. – George Carlin

I don’t like words that hide the truth. I don’t like words that conceal reality. I don’t like euphemisms or euphemistic language. – George Carlin

I’m getting so old, I don’t even buy green bananas anymore. – George Carlin

If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work. – George Carlin

What if there were no hypothetical questions? – George Carlin

I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately. – George Carlin

Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body. – George Carlin

Don’t just teach your children to read. Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything. – George Carlin

When someone is impatient and says, ‘I haven’t got all day,’ I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? – George Carlin

Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? – George Carlin

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking, and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong? – George Carlin

If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny. – George Carlin

Conservatives say if you don’t give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they’ve lost all incentive because we’ve given them too much money. – George Carlin

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. – George Carlin

I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it. – George Carlin

Electricity is really just organized lightning. – George Carlin

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity. – George Carlin

If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor. – George Carlin

I don’t have pet peeves. I have major psychotic fucking hatreds. – George Carlin

Atheism is a non-prophet organization. – George Carlin

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? – George Carlin

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. – George Carlin

Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are even stupider! – George Carlin

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? – George Carlin

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. – George Carlin