Funny Quotes from Sun Tzu

Victorious warriors win first and then go to war, while defeated warriors go to war first and then seek to win – or maybe just go to brunch.

The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting, unless they take the last slice of pizza.

If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles… unless they’ve mastered the art of rock-paper-scissors.

The best way to win a battle is to convince the enemy that you have a fully charged phone and they don’t.

All warfare is based on deception, or convincing others that you actually enjoy kale smoothies.

Let your plans be as dark and impenetrable as night, but maybe just share the location of your secret ice cream stash.

Move swift as the wind and closely formed as the wood. Unless it’s raining, then just stay in bed.

If you wait by the river long enough, the bodies of your enemies will float by, but make sure to bring a picnic blanket and some binoculars just in case.

Supreme excellence consists of breaking the enemy’s resistance without even breaking a sweat. Or breaking anything else for that matter.

The opportunity to secure ourselves against defeat lies in our own hands, or in the deodorant aisle at the supermarket.

He will win who knows when to fight and when not to fight, but smashing them in Mario Kart is always a good option.

Pretend inferiority and encourage his arrogance, then challenge him to an online chess game.

Funny Quotes from Sun Tzu part 2

The greatest victory is that which requires no battle, unless we’re talking about a pie-eating contest.

In the midst of chaos, there is also opportunity…to order extra cheese on your pizza.

The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time you fall, and also in finding the best parking spot at the mall.

Know thy self, know thy enemy. A thousand battles, a thousand victories, and maybe a thousand embarrassing moments you’ll both laugh about later.

The acme of skill is to defeat the enemy in battle without even letting them know that a battle was fought, and also avoid stepping on your dog’s tail.

If you know the enemy and know yourself, your victory will not stand in doubt; if you know Heaven and know Earth, you may make your victory complete – but knowing the Wi-Fi password is equally important.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized, and as long as you don’t multiply your credit card debt in the process.

The greatest deception men suffer is from their own opinions, unless it’s about their cooking skills.

All war is deception, and all dating profiles are deceiving too.

It is more important to out-think your enemy than to outfight him, unless your enemy is a spider, then outfighting is totally acceptable.

If you wait by the river long enough, the corpses of your enemy will eventually float by… wearing floaties and sunglasses.

The art of war teaches us to rely not on the likelihood of the enemy’s not coming, but on our own readiness to receive him; or you can just leave a ‘be right back’ note on the door.

The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting, by winning their heart with a cute puppy.

Victorious warriors win first and then go to battle, but then they realize they forgot their sword and have to go back home.

The greatest victory is that which requires no battle, but a round of rock-paper-scissors with your toddler might prove difficult.

To know your Enemy, you must become your Enemy or just stalk their social media profiles.

The opportunity to secure ourselves against defeat lies in our own hands, or in the hands of the pizza delivery guy.

Invincibility lies in the defense; the possibility of victory in the attack; and the probability of a good hair day in the bottle of shampoo.

The way to stop this war is to make love, not war, but maybe just a good batch of cookies could work too.

If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles, unless they have cheat codes.

If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle – and also in every game of chess.

The greatest trick the devil ever played was convincing the world he didn’t exist, but then Sun Tzu came along and convinced us all he was a master of warfare.

To win one hundred victories in one hundred battles is not the highest skill. The highest skill is to win with a game of tic-tac-toe and maintain your dignity.

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, but keep your Netflix password even closer.

In the midst of chaos, there is also opportunity, especially if you have a credit card and access to online shopping.

To know your Enemy, you must become your Enemy, or simply hang out with your sister’s ex on a ski trip. Awkward.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized, and you may get a discount on your second latte if you seize it fast enough.

Move swift as the Wind and closely formed as the Wood, except when it’s windy, then bring a coat.

The greatest victory is that which requires no battle, or a battle involving nerf guns and foam swords.

If the mind is willing, the flesh could be as well.Yes, this definitely applies to hitting the gym.

The greatest victory is winning without fighting, except when fighting the urge to eat that last slice of cake.

Move swift as the Wind and closely-formed as the Wood. But if there’s a squirrel, forget about it.

The opportunity to secure ourselves against defeat lies in our own hands — or on Amazon Prime.

There is no instance of a nation benefiting from prolonged warfare – unless they invest in the stock market.

Regard your soldiers as your children, and they will follow you into the deepest valleys. Regard them as your credit card bill, and they might just abandon you.

In the midst of chaos, there is also opportunity, like finding extra fries at the bottom of your takeout bag.

Let your plans be dark and impenetrable as night, or at least as dark and impenetrable as that one season of Game of Thrones.

Supreme excellence consists of breaking the enemy’s resistance without breaking any laws, unless it’s that really tiny one about jaywalking.