Funny Quotes and Sayings – Bringing Laughter into Life

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. – Elbert Hubbard

I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.

I’ve got a photographic memory, but it hasn’t been developed yet.

I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I’m saying. – Oscar Wilde

I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me.

If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. – Mark Twain

Laughing is the best exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.

Funny Quotes and Sayings – Bringing Laughter into Life part 2

If there were a Nobel Prize for laziness, I’d send someone to pick it up for me.

I’m not clumsy, it’s just the floor hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.

I may be a fool, but I’m a fool for risks.

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

I’m not short, I’m just more down-to-earth than most people.

I hate when people say nice guys finish last, it just shows they didn’t run the race properly.

I tried being normal once. It was the worst two minutes of my life.

I’m not clumsy. It’s just that the floor hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.

If there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, it’s probably an incoming train.

I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

I personally believe that aliens are gonna invade us, and I’m prepared to serve them some tea and biscuits.

I’m not sure if life is passing me by or trying to run me over.

I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

I told my computer I needed a break, and now it’s emailing me travel promotions.

I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.

I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode.

My ambition is to be the person my dog thinks I am.

I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia. She whispered, ‘They’re right behind you!’

I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I’m so bad at sleep, I can do it with my eyes closed.

I once won an argument with a wall. I shouted ‘I’ll plaster you’ and it crumbled.

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you.

I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

I’m not overweight, I’m just undertall.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive, try missing a couple of credit card payments.

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me.

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer. – Douglas Adams

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

I can resist everything except temptation. – Oscar Wilde

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. – Elbert Hubbard

I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.

I’ve got a photographic memory, but it hasn’t been developed yet.

I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I’m saying. – Oscar Wilde

I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me.

If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. – Mark Twain

Laughing is the best exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.

If there were a Nobel Prize for laziness, I’d send someone to pick it up for me.

I’m not clumsy, it’s just the floor hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.

I may be a fool, but I’m a fool for risks.

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

I’m not short, I’m just more down-to-earth than most people.

I hate when people say nice guys finish last, it just shows they didn’t run the race properly.

I tried being normal once. It was the worst two minutes of my life.

I’m not clumsy. It’s just that the floor hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.

If there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, it’s probably an incoming train.

I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

I personally believe that aliens are gonna invade us, and I’m prepared to serve them some tea and biscuits.

I’m not sure if life is passing me by or trying to run me over.

I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

I told my computer I needed a break, and now it’s emailing me travel promotions.

I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.

I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode.

My ambition is to be the person my dog thinks I am.

I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia. She whispered, ‘They’re right behind you!’

I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I’m so bad at sleep, I can do it with my eyes closed.

I once won an argument with a wall. I shouted ‘I’ll plaster you’ and it crumbled.

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you.

I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

I’m not overweight, I’m just undertall.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive, try missing a couple of credit card payments.

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me.

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer. – Douglas Adams

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

I can resist everything except temptation. – Oscar Wilde