Funny Mom Sayings

I brought you into this world, and I can take you out!

I’m not just a mom, I’m a full-time referee.

I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have a least favorite husband.

I’m not yelling, I’m projecting my love.

My house is clean enough to be healthy, and messy enough to be happy.

Motherhood is a constant battle between wanting some alone time and missing my kids as soon as they’re gone.

I’m not just a mom, I’m also a professional snack-fetcher and tantrum negotiator.

Silence is suspicious when you have kids.

I haven’t slept in years, but at least I’m well-rested in sarcasm.

Raising kids is like nailing Jello to a tree.

I love my kids, but sometimes I just need a vacation from motherhood.

Don’t make me come down there!

I used to have a great memory, but then I had kids.

I’m not bossy, I just have better ideas.

If at first, you don’t succeed, try doing it the way your mom told you.

Mom’s taxi service: where the fare is paid with hugs and kisses.

No, I don’t know where your other shoe is. Have you checked under the couch, in the bathroom, and on the neighbor’s dog?

I’m not yelling, I’m just using my loud voice.

Why do they call it ‘Mom Brain’ when it’s really just an advanced form of multitasking?

I kissed a boo-boo and made it all better. Turns out, all it needed was a band-aid.

I’m not a regular mom, I’m a cool mom.

I don’t always have time to take a shower, but I never miss a meal.

Did you clean your room? Did you clean it with a microscope?

I brought snacks because I know kids eat like tiny dinosaurs.

I’m not ignoring you, I’m just on the 874th page of your bedtime story.

I don’t need an alarm clock, I have kids.

I haven’t slept in since before I became a mom.

I saw that eye roll, next time it’s going to get stuck like that.

If you can’t say something nice, say it in a funny accent.

I may not be perfect, but my kids definitely are.

Before I had kids, I never realized how much I could hide in my purse.

I don’t have a wine cellar, I have a wine rack with a kid-proof lock.

Parenting is just being a glorified referee.

My kids keep me young, right up until they make me feel ancient.

I used to be fun, then I had kids.

You’re not tired, you’re just fighting sleep like it’s the next level of Fortnite.

I don’t negotiate with tiny terrorists.

If you’re happy and you know it, it’s probably nap time.

I don’t need a personal trainer, I have kids who constantly need me to carry them.

I can’t come to the phone right now because I’m busy solving the world’s tiniest crisis.

Coffee: because adulting is hard, and parenting is even harder.

I can’t remember the last time I showered alone.

I’m not a short-order cook, but I am an expert in burnt toast.

If only my kids knew how many times a day I resist the urge to put myself in a timeout.

I’m not a regular mom, I’m a ‘takes two weeks to schedule a doctor’s appointment’ mom.

I thought I knew what tired felt like, and then I became a mom.

If my kids could leave the house without spinning around in the hallway like a tornado, that’d be great.

I’m not afraid of monsters under my bed, I’m afraid of LEGOs.

I’ve mastered the art of hiding vegetables in meals and sippy cups.

I’m their mom, not their personal maid. But don’t tell them I said that.