Funny Jewish Sayings – Humor and Wit in Jewish Culture
I told my psychiatrist that I keep having dreams of being an Israeli spy. He said I’m suffering from Mossad delusions.
I asked the Rabbi if it’s okay to eat shrimp. He said, ‘Just don’t let the lobster see.’
Why did the Jewish mother enroll her son in ballet classes? She was hoping he’d learn to break a leg without getting hurt.
I went to a Jewish wedding and they had a chuppah made of Twizzlers. It was a kosher symbol of love.
Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? They can guilt-trip anyone into obedience.
Why was the Jewish baker always in a hurry? He kneaded to rise.
Why do Jewish mothers make excellent therapists? They’ve been providing free guilt trips for years.
A Jewish vampire walks into a blood bank and says, ‘I’m here for a tzedakah.’
Why did the Jewish grandmother bring her own tea bags to the restaurant? She wanted to save on the schmaltz.
Why did the Jewish doctor become an actor? He wanted to make a killing in malpractice insurance commercials.
Why did the Jewish astronaut refuse to go to space? He didn’t want to deal with cosmic schmaltz.
A Jewish mother says to her son, ‘Eat your vegetables, they’re good for you!’ Son replies, ‘But Mom, they’re goyishe food!’
Why did the Jewish comedian become a jockey? He wanted to ride on a horse and make people laugh at the same time.
Why was the Jewish wedding held in a deli? They wanted to ensure there would be plenty of mazel tov sandwiches.
Why do Jewish grandmothers always have tissues in their purses? They never know when they might need to shed a little schmaltz.
A Jewish mother calls her son, ‘Don’t forget to wear a coat today, it’s cold out!’ Son replies, ‘Mom, I’m 40 years old!’ Mother says, ‘And you’re still not married!’
Why did the Jewish acrobat join the circus? He wanted to hear the audience say, ‘Oy vey!’
Why did the Jewish golfer bring a bagel to the golf course? He wanted a hole-in-one with a schmear.
Why did the Jewish comedian become a farmer? He wanted to tell ‘crop’ jokes at the harvest festival.
Why did the Jewish father buy his son a trampoline? He wanted him to have a ‘bouncy’ mitzvah.
Why did the Jewish doctor become a palm reader? He wanted to know if you’ll need a second opinion or a second mortgage.
A Jewish grandmother says to her grandson, ‘You should marry a nice Jewish girl.’ He replies, ‘I will, as soon as I find one that’s taller than me.’
Why did the Jewish chef become a magician? He wanted to bring ‘abracadabra’ to the matzah ball soup.
Why did the Jewish grandmother wear two bras? She wanted to keep her chest ‘kosher’ double-wrapped.
A Jewish mother says to her son, ‘Eat your soup, it’s good for you!’ Son replies, ‘But Mom, I’m not even sick!’ Mother says, ‘Then eat it, it will make you sick!’
Why did the Jewish doctor become a stand-up comedian? He wanted to make people laugh so hard, they forgot they were sick.
Why did the Jewish golfer bring a menorah to the golf course? He wanted to light up the fairway with his ‘golf hanukkah’ shot.
A Jewish grandmother says to her grandson, ‘Always check your pockets before doing laundry.’ He asks, ‘Why, Bubbe?’ She replies, ‘Because I just found your inheritance in the dryer lint.’
Why did the Jewish detective quit his job? He got tired of solving ‘Jew-dunnits’.
Why did the Jewish piano tuner become a magician? He wanted to make pianos disappear, but without playing ‘abracadabra’ songs.
A Jewish mother says to her daughter, ‘You need to find a nice Jewish boy!’ Daughter replies, ‘But Mom, I’m a lesbian!’ Mother says, ‘Even better, you’ll have twice the guilt and twice the nagging!’
Why did the Jewish doctor become a chef? He wanted to give prescriptions for ‘matzah ball soup with a side of schmaltz’.
Why did the Jewish mother give her son a puzzle? She wanted him to find all the missing pieces in his life, starting with his lost socks.
A Jewish grandmother says to her grandson, ‘Don’t settle for a shiksa. Marry a Jewish girl who can cook matzah balls!’ Grandson replies, ‘But Bubbe, I’m not even Jewish!’
Why did the Jewish dog become a comedian? He wanted to bark ‘woof-woof’ in Yiddish and make all the other dogs laugh.
Why did the Jewish grandfather always carry a lighter in his pocket? In case he needed to light a candle in memory of ‘where did I put my keys’.
A Jewish mother says to her son, ‘You better marry a rich girl!’ Son replies, ‘Why, Mom?’ Mother says, ‘So she can afford a good therapist for your future children.’
Why did the Jewish waiter become a photographer? He wanted to capture ‘cheese’ moments at every bar mitzvah.
Why did the Jewish comedian become a checkout clerk? He wanted to make people laugh so hard, they forget they’re overpaying for organic cucumbers.
Why did the Jewish grandmother wear two wigs? She wanted ‘double kosher’ hairdos, just in case one flew off during temple prayers.
A Jewish mother says to her daughter, ‘You better find a doctor to marry!’ Daughter replies, ‘But Mom, I’m a doctor!’ Mother says, ‘Even better, you’ll save on office visits.’
Why did the Jewish magician become a rabbi? He wanted to make miracles happen, but without the need for smoke and mirrors.
Why did the Jewish farmer become a rapper? He wanted to ‘sow’ rhymes and harvest beats.
A Jewish grandmother says to her grandson, ‘You better eat your chicken soup, it will cure everything!’ Grandson replies, ‘But Bubbe, I have a broken leg!’
Why did the Jewish golfer bring a bag of bagels to the golf course? He wanted to score a ‘hole-in-one’ with schmear.
Why did the Jewish comedian become a hairdresser? He wanted to give haircuts that make people laugh until they’re ‘split’ ends.
A Jewish mother says to her son, ‘Why haven’t you called in two days?’ Son replies, ‘But Mom, I just saw you yesterday.’ Mother says, ‘Exactly, it’s been two days!’
Why did the Jewish doctor become a painter? He wanted to prescribe colorful art instead of pills.
Why did the Jewish grandmother bring her own chairs to the theater? She wanted to ensure her family had ‘kosher’ seating.
A Jewish mother says to her daughter, ‘You better find a Jewish lawyer to marry!’ Daughter replies, ‘But Mom, I’m a lawyer!’ Mother says, ‘Even better, you’ll save on court fees!’