Funny Jesus Quotes

I turned water into wine once… Best party trick ever!

Blessed are the cheesemakers.

I told my disciples, ‘Follow me,’ and they ended up on Twitter.

If ‘X’ marks the spot, then I’m the ultimate treasure map!

My sense of humor is so divine, even the angels laugh.

I can walk on water, but can I walk on popcorn? That’s the real question!

Do you believe in love at first sight? Because I invented it!

I haven’t come back to judge, but I do have some pretty great dance moves to show off.

I never said ‘Blessed are the drama queens,’ but somehow they found their way into every church.

My dad is a pretty big deal, but have you met my stepdad? He’s pretty cool too.

Do you think God loves the sound of laughter? because I sure do.

If someone tells you to turn the other cheek, just remember to pick your battles wisely.

Don’t worry about turning water into wine, I’ve got you covered at parties.

When life gives you loaves and fishes, call it a potluck and throw a party.

I may be the king of kings, but I still can’t resist a good burger.

My dad created the universe, but I’m really good at painting sunsets.

Do you think angels ever get tired of hearing ‘Hallelujah’ all day long? I’m definitely tired of it.

Consider turning the other cheek, but remember to also get a good lawyer.

Miracles happen every day, mostly in the form of cake.

Sometimes I think my disciples missed the ‘love your neighbor’ memo, so I had to repeat it a few times.

People often ask if I walk on water, but they never ask how I feel about the Earth’s crust.

Blessed are the jokesters, for they shall inherit the laughter.

They called me the Son of God, but I prefer to be called the King of Comedy.

I once turned a frown upside down… the downside was that I couldn’t stop laughing.

I may have been crucified, but I still have a killer sense of humor.

Jesus sayings: ‘Love one another,’ ‘Turn the other cheek,’ and ‘Always tip your waitstaff.’

I have 12 disciples, but my favorite is the comedian. He always knows how to lighten the mood.

When life gives you lemons, turn them into lemonade and bring enough for everyone.

Not even a death sentence could stop my punchlines.

Did you know that heaven has a comedy club? It’s called Angelic Jokes and it’s divine!

I am the way, the truth, and the punchline.

I can multiply loaves and fishes, but when it comes to pizza, I only need one slice.

Blessed are the comedians, for they shall inherit the applause.

I once told my disciples not to worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow is pizza night!

They may have put me in a tomb, but my comedic timing is still on point.

Why do people ask if I can walk through walls? Is there some secret door-opening technique I don’t know about?

They called me the Prince of Peace, but I secretly think I should be the Prince of Pranks.

I once turned water into soda, but the bubbles went up my nose and I couldn’t stop giggling.

I preached about loving your neighbor, but I also appreciate a good knock-knock joke.

I once fed 5,000 people with just a few fish and loaves… I guess you could say it was a miracle dish.

I told my disciples to cast their nets on the other side of the boat, but no one ever listens to fishing advice.

I walked on water once, but it was actually just a really well-placed puddle.

I once turned a handful of rocks into breadsticks… Carb loading for the win!

Blessed are the pun-makers, for they shall inherit the groans.

I may have risen from the dead, but my stand-up career is still on the ground floor.

I once turned water into Gatorade… it was my ‘refreshing’ take on miracles.

I don’t always perform miracles, but when I do, I make sure it’s for something important, like getting extra fries in your order.

They say laughter is the best medicine, but I can also heal with a gentle touch and some holy water.

I once turned gravel into gold… but it turns out it was just fool’s gold. Lesson learned.

Blessed are the joke lovers, for they know how to lighten the heaviest hearts.

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