Funny Historical Quotes

I cannot tell a lie, I did eat the last piece of cake. – George Washington

I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work. – Thomas Edison

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems. – Paul Erdos

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets. – Al McGuire

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have. – Thomas Jefferson

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. – W.C. Fields

I came, I saw, I conquered. – Julius Caesar

I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. – Winston Churchill

I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by. – Douglas Adams

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. – Jim Carrey

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana. – Groucho Marx

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. – Winston Churchill

If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses. – Henry Ford

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. – Mark Twain

The best way to predict your future is to create it. – Abraham Lincoln

I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning. – Marie Antoinette

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. – Elbert Hubbard

The secret of getting ahead is getting started. – Mark Twain

I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical. – Arthur C. Clarke

I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work. – Benjamin Franklin

I’ve been described as a tough and noisy woman, a prizefighter, a man-hater, you name it. They call me Battling Bella, Mother Courage, and a Jewish mother with more complaints than Portnoy. – Bella Abzug

I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend. – Emo Philips

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be. – Douglas Adams

I would like to be remembered as a man who had a wonderful time living life, a man who had good friends, fine family – and I don’t think I could ask for anything more than that, actually. – Frank Sinatra

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it. – W.C. Fields

There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. – Edith Wharton

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear. – Ambrose Redmoon

I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. – Salvador Dali

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer. – Douglas Adams

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. – Terry Pratchett

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying. – Oscar Wilde

My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that’s the law. – Jerry Seinfeld

The only way to do great work is to love what you do. – Steve Jobs

I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship. – Louisa May Alcott

The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about. – Oscar Wilde

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have. – Coleman Cox

When I’m sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. – Barney Stinson

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. – Phyllis Diller

I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you. – Robin Williams

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. – Elbert Hubbard

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. – George Burns

I never said most of the things I said. – Yogi Berra

I’m too drunk to taste this chicken. – Colonel Sanders

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. – Douglas Adams

I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants. – A. Whitney Brown

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship. – Sharon Stone

I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious. – Michael Scott

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. – Steve Martin

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. – Albert Einstein

I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it. – George Carlin