Dear Santa, I’ve been good this year, please refer all questionnaire requests to my cat.
I’m only a morning person on December 25th!
The best way to spread Christmas cheer is by annoying your siblings and singing loudly.
I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, but if the white runs out, I’ll drink the red!
Christmas calories don’t count… until January!
All I want for Christmas is to be able to fit into my old jeans!
Who needs snowflakes when you have dandruff?
I can’t wait to analyze all my family’s holiday drama with my therapist!
Christmas dinner is just an excuse to eat dessert first!
If at first, you don’t succeed, hide all the evidence before mom finds out.
Christmas is the only time of the year when you can sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of socks.
Santa Claus has the right idea – visit people only once a year!
Don’t blame the holidays, you were fat in August too.
Dear Santa, define ‘nice.’
Christmas rule: Never let anyone judge your fruitcake consumption.
Who needs elves when you have Amazon Prime?
Christmas is the season to be jolly…and watch all your favorite holiday movies in your PJs!
Treat every day like Christmas, because you never know when someone will put a fruitcake on your doorstep.
Christmas is the time to reconnect with your loved ones and block them on social media the next day.
The only present you can unwrap twice is a can of Pringles.
I’m not Santa Claus, but you can still sit on my lap if you want!
The real magic of Christmas is how quickly my bank account magically empties.
The best way to spread holiday cheer is by refusing to turn off your Christmas lights till March!
Christmas shopping? There should be an Olympic event for it!
Christmas is like the lottery – except you can’t return the unwanted gifts!
Dear Santa, I can explain… but probably better if we talk over a glass of wine!
The secret to a successful family gathering during Christmas: Alcohol.
Don’t believe in Christmas miracles? Explain the Kardashians then.
Christmas vacation is just an excuse to wear the same PJs for days straight.
I’m only in this for the presents – Santa, where are you?
Christmas decorations should include a life-sized inflatable Santa that takes out the trash and cleans the house.
I’m dreaming of a silent night… without my in-laws!
The real Santa Claus is the person who vacuums the living room after the wrapping paper explosion.
Christmas is the time when you’re allowed to stalk people and break into their homes – Santa’s got some explaining to do!
I put myself on the nice list, but it autocorrected to ‘wine list’ – I’m not even mad!
The best gifts come in the form of gift cards, so I can get what I really wanted without judgment!
If Christmas songs were office appropriate, I’d be singing ‘All I Want for Christmas is a Raise!’
My favorite Christmas tradition is sitting around the table, pretending to like eggnog.
The best part about Christmas cookies is the extra dough that ‘accidentally’ falls into my mouth.
Santa’s reindeer are proof that cows can fly if you believe strongly enough!
The best snowmen are made of ice cream… no assembly required!
Christmas sweaters are like a hug for your torso – just without any warmth.
I’m so excited about Christmas, I sleigh all day!
Dear Santa, I can explain the empty cookie jar – it was an emergency and self-defense!
If you’re feeling down this Christmas, just remember that Santa has a worldwide belly laugh!
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