Who needs a Christmas tree when you can just decorate a pile of laundry?
Christmas cheer: the only time of year when it’s socially acceptable to wear an ugly sweater.
Dear Santa, define ‘nice’.
The best way to spread Christmas cheer is to sing loud for all to hear… or give everyone a pair of noise-canceling headphones.
Christmas is all about love and joy… and strategically avoiding family drama.
I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, but if the white runs out, I’ll settle for red.
Christmas calories don’t count, right? Asking for a friend.
I wish everyone a Merry Christmas, except the people who already have their decorations up in October.
Christmas is the perfect time to give handmade gifts… if by ‘handmade’ you mean ‘bought online and delivered in a box’.
I’m dreaming of a silent night, just kidding, it’s more like a chaos-filled holiday season.
Christmas is the time to be merry and bright… or completely stressed and exhausted.
Rudolph’s red nose is cute until you remember he’s basically the only one with a DUI.
Christmas tip: if someone gives you coal, just regift it as a performance art piece.
Santa: making a list, checking it twice, and still getting your name wrong since the beginning of time.
I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, but if the white runs out, I’ll start collecting marshmallows.
Don’t get your tinsel in a tangle, just let it hang and call it a modern art installation.
Christmas shopping? More like a marathon of dodging salespeople and impulse buying.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. Okay, most of the year. Fine, once in a while. Just leave presents.
Christmas greetings: May your presents be pricier than your relatives.
The best part of the Christmas season? Wearing stretchy pants and blaming it on the cookies.
Christmas spirit: the only time of year when it’s socially acceptable to sneeze glitter.
Just remember, Santa only visits houses with WIFI. So, upgrade that connection, folks!
Christmas tip: If someone gives you a gift, pretend it’s exactly what you wanted even if it’s an avocado.
I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, but if the white runs out, I’ll settle for a Netflix marathon.
Deck the halls with boughs of holly… and peelings of tangled up fairy lights.
Christmas wish: May all your socks have a matching pair and all your family dinner conversations stay civil.
Forget about chestnuts roasting on an open fire, I’m more interested in marshmallows toasting on my hot cocoa.
Dear Santa, I can explain… but you probably won’t believe me anyway.
Christmas sweaters: because nothing says ‘I gave up on fashion’ like a giant Rudolph on your chest.
You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout… unless you want coal in your stocking.
I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, but let’s be honest, I’m in Florida, so a mild breeze would do.
May your Christmas lights blink as fast as your credit card gets declined.
Christmas cards: the easiest way to pretend you remember people you haven’t seen in years.
Nothing says ‘Merry Christmas’ like finding wrapping paper shreds in your bed until July.
Christmas shopping: the only time of year when it’s acceptable to push people out of the way for a good deal.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good this year… well, not GOOD good, but good enough considering the circumstances.
‘Tis the season to be jolly, and drink eggnog until you forget about your holiday stress.
Christmas wish: may your family’s political conversations be as well-spiced as your holiday cookies.
Remember, it’s not the gift that counts, it’s the Instagram post of you pretending to love the gift.
Christmas dinner: a chance for your uncle’s questionable cooking to shine… or burn, whichever comes first.
I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, but if the white runs out, I’ll accept snowflakes made of paper.
May your Christmas be filled with joy, laughter, and less awkward family photos than last year.
Christmas stockings: because nothing says ‘I love you’ like random small objects wrapped in oversized socks.
Dear Santa, I can explain my search history… but it might not be suitable for the Naughty or Nice list.
Christmas morning: the time when all the uncontrollable screaming before coffee is actually acceptable.
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