Demetri Martin Quotes

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything.

Rice is great when you’re hungry and want 2000 of something.

I don’t have pet peeves, I have major psychotic fucking hatreds.

I’m not going to run for president because I’m not a machine. Plus, running really fast is exhausting.

When life gives you lemons, freeze them and throw them as hard as you can at the people making your life difficult.

I asked the librarian if there were any books on paranoia. She whispered, ‘They’re right behind you.’

The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.

I once had a dream that all the babies in the world joined forces and built a giant baby robot. It was both adorable and terrifying.

I’ve been thinking of buying the world’s largest map, but I’m not sure where I’d put it.

I don’t have a fear of heights, I have a fear of falling from heights. It’s a subtle distinction.

If I were a superhero, my superpower would be the ability to procrastinate for days without any consequences.

I never work out, but I’m in great shape. I enjoy the exercise of avoiding exercise.

I tried to write a book about the worst case scenario, but I could never finish it. Every time I got to the last chapter, something worse happened.

The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.

I like names that tell a story. Like my friend Dumpster Fire, he really burned his parents’ hopes and dreams.

I invented a new word: plagiarism. It means stealing someone else’s ideas and passing them off as your own. Don’t tell anyone.

I have the body of a god. Unfortunately, it’s Buddha.

I once tried to convince my therapist that I’m not crazy, but then she asked me to pay for the session.

Doing yoga is like stretching for the lazy. It’s an opportunity to lie down and do nothing while pretending to be healthy.

I’m a firm believer in the power of ambiguity. Or am I?

They say money can’t buy happiness, but I’ve never seen anyone frowning on a jet ski.

My life coach told me I should start saying yes to more things. So I said no.

I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.

I’ve always wanted to be someone’s knight in shining armor, but I’ll settle for being someone’s knight in slightly tarnished armor.

I’ve learned that the best way to stop procrastinating is to start procrastinating on something else.

I tried to join a support group for people with social anxiety, but I couldn’t find the courage to attend the first meeting.

I like to think outside the box, but I can never find my way back into it.

I wrote a song about a tortilla. Actually, it’s more of a wrap.

I wish my phone came with a ‘hindsight’ button, so I could go back and delete all the dumb shit I’ve said.

I once won an argument with a philosopher by saying, ‘I think, therefore I’m right.’

Everyone says the key to a successful relationship is communication. I think it’s actually being able to eat tacos in bed together.

I’ll never understand why people go to the gym to run on a treadmill. Just go outside and run away from your problems!

I once saw a sign that said, ‘Drink Canada Dry.’ So I did.

Nothing makes me happier than realizing it’s not too late to take a nap.

I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Sometimes I think I’m a genius, but then I remember I forgot to put pants on today.

I have an irrational fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it.

I wanted to be an astronaut, but my dreams crashed when I realized I can’t even handle turbulence on a plane.

I accidentally bought decaf coffee once. It tasted so much like regular coffee, I didn’t even notice.

I wish common sense was more common. It’s like trying to find a unicorn in a coffee shop.

I want to be rich enough to have a room in my house where everything is made of chocolate. Except the floor, that would be sticky.

I like to treat my body like a temple. Unfortunately, it’s an ancient ruin.

The key to a healthy relationship is honesty and communication. And a healthy dose of sarcasm.

I’ve mastered the art of making plans, cancelling them, and then feeling great about having a free schedule.

I’ve realized that I have the attention span of a goldfish, but a memory like an elephant. What were we talking about again?

I once tried to change the world, but then I realized it’s much easier to just complain about it from my couch.

I recently discovered that ‘studying’ is just a fancy word for re-reading the same sentence over and over again.

I’m so clumsy that I can trip over my own shadow. It’s a talent, really.

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

I’ve learned that the key to success is… well, I’ll get back to you on that.