Daily Hilarity – Funny Quotes to Brighten Your Day

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits. He replied, ‘How flexible are you?’ I said, ‘I can’t make it on Tuesdays.’

I don’t need anger management. You just need to stop making me angry.

Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!

I’m not lazy. I’m on energy-saving mode.

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

If Cinderella’s shoe fit so perfectly, why did it fall off in the first place?

Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair.

I’m not clumsy, the floor just hates me.

Some people call me crazy. I prefer the term ‘mentally hilarious’.

My wife told me I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.

I’m not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.

The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.

I asked a Frenchman if he played video games. He said, ‘Wii.’

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

The early bird can have the worm, because worms are gross and mornings are stupid.

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.

I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

Daily Hilarity – Funny Quotes to Brighten Your Day part 2

I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.

Life is short. Leave the house with messy hair and the world will assume you have a busy life.

I wish my wallet came with free refills.

I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

The road to success is always under construction.

My dog can bark like a human, but I can’t speak dog. Seems unfair.

I don’t have a beer gut. I have a protective covering for my rock-hard abs.

I have a fear of speed bumps. But I’m slowly getting over it.

I don’t need a vacation. I need a new life.

I tried to lose weight, but it never listens to me.

If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

Chocolate doesn’t ask silly questions. Chocolate understands.

I’m old enough to know better, but young enough to do it anyway.

I don’t need Google. My wife knows everything.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

I don’t need a personal trainer. My anxiety helps me lose weight.

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.

They say money can’t buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Lamborghini.

When life gives you lemons, just add vodka.

I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

I’m not short, I’m fun-sized.

If you can’t be the sharpest tool in the shed, you can always be the hoe.

Dear life, when I asked if my day could get any worse, it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.