Compilation of Sharp-Witted and Clever Smart-Ass Sayings

I’m not sarcastic. I’m just intelligent beyond your understanding.

Sarcasm, because beating people up is illegal.

You look good when your eyes are closed, but you look the best when my eyes closed.

If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.

Sorry for the mean, awful, accurate things I said.

I?d agree with you but then we?d both be wrong.

Well, my imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.

I’m not always rude and sarcastic. Sometimes, I’m asleep.

Can I borrow a kiss? I promise I’ll give it back.

I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

If I throw a stick, will you go away??

I?d say ‘nice to meet you,’ but I don?t want to lie.

My alone time is for your safety.

Oops, my bad. I could’ve sworn I was dealing with an adult.

If I was a bird, I know who I’d poop on.

Keep rolling your eyes, maybe you’ll find a brain back there.

I was going to give you a nasty look, but I see you already have one.

I’m sorry, I don’t take orders. I barely take suggestions.

If stress burned calories, I’d be a supermodel.

I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.

Could you repeat that? I’ve run out of mind-numbing responses.

Sarcasm, the body’s natural defense against stupidity.

Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

You never realize how weird you are until you have to explain yourself to someone.

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Common sense is like deodorant, those who need it most never use it.

No, I checked my receipt. I didn’t buy any of your bullshit.

Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too.

Being an adult is like folding a fitted sheet, no one really knows how.

If I was meant to be controlled, I would have come with a remote.

I may be a smart-ass, but at least I don’t have a dumb-ass problem.

You don?t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.?

Friendly reminder, `Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings – they did it by killing everyone that opposed them.`

I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel, and incompetent comes naturally to me.?

If I won the lottery, the first thing I’d do is pay your mom to stop calling me.

How do you keep an idiot in suspense? I?ll tell you later.

Not every flower can say love, but a rose can. Not every plant survives a thirst, but a cactus can. Not every idiot can read, but you just did.

My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.

I’m not a smart-ass. I’m a skilled trained professional in pointing out the obvious and I speak fluent sarcasm.

I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.

If I wanted to kill myself, I’d climb up your ego and jump to your IQ.

My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.

Well, aren?t you a waste of two billion years of evolution.

Why don’t you check eBay and see if they have a life for sale.

I’m not sarcastic. I’m just intelligent beyond your understanding.

Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.

I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.

I always say ‘Morning’ instead of ‘Good Morning’ because if it was a good morning, I’d still be in bed and not talking to you.

It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.

I would explain it to you, but I don?t have any crayons.

Stupidity is not a crime, so you?re free to go.

I stopped understanding math when the alphabet decided to get involved.

If common sense is so common, why are you without it?

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, others just gargle.