Comedian Quotes

I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure. – Unknown

They say laughter is the best medicine, so I guess I should have been a doctor. – Unknown

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. – Lily Tomlin

I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals, I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants. – A. Whitney Brown

I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you. – Robin Williams

I can resist everything except temptation. – Oscar Wilde

I don’t have a bank account because I don’t know my mother’s maiden name. – Paula Poundstone

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it by not dying. – Woody Allen

I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die. – Mr. Garrison

I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by. – Douglas Adams

I never said most of the things I said. – Yogi Berra

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. – Groucho Marx

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass. – David Lee Roth

I’m not a comedian. I’m an entertainer. – Steve Martin

I’m allergic to food. Every time I eat, it breaks out into fat. – Jennifer Greene

I’m not going to vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride on. – Roseanne Barr

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. – Mae West

I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. – Woody Allen

I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical. – Arthur C. Clarke

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. – Elayne Boosler

I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens. – Woody Allen

I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Goddamit, I’m a billionaire. – Howard Hughes

I’m a simple man, I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food. – Ron Swanson

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying. – Oscar Wilde

I’m not addicted to cocaine, I just like the way it smells. – Richard Pryor

I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning. – Unknown

I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you. – Unknown

I don’t have a dirty mind. I have a sexy imagination. – Unknown

I’m not clumsy, I’m just on a mission to test gravity. – Unknown

I don’t have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs. – Unknown

I’m not lazy, I’m just highly motivated to do nothing. – Unknown

I don’t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font. – Unknown

I am not weird, I am limited edition. – Unknown

I don’t have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem. – Unknown

I’m not sarcastic, I’m just intelligent beyond your understanding. – Unknown

I don’t have an anger problem, I have an idiot problem. – Unknown

I’m not a procrastinator, I’m just on a conference call with my future self. – Unknown

I don’t have a dad bod, I have a father figure. – Unknown

I’m not a nerd, I’m just cooler than you. – Unknown

I don’t have a big head, I have a resting confident face. – Unknown

I’m not a hoarder, I’m a collector of memories. – Unknown

I don’t have a sweet tooth, I have a cavity provider. – Unknown

I’m not a picky eater, I just have the taste buds of a toddler. – Unknown

I don’t have a green thumb, I have a plant whisperer ability. – Unknown

I’m not a control freak, I just have trust issues. – Unknown

I don’t have a fear of commitment, I have a fear of life sentences. – Unknown

I’m not a morning person, I’m just a night owl trapped in an early bird’s body. – Unknown

I don’t have a problem with authority, I have an issue with people telling me what to do. – Unknown

I’m not a drama queen, I’m just having a melodramatic life. – Unknown

I don’t have a filter, I have a direct translation of thoughts to words. – Unknown