Funny Quotes by Famous People

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. – Ron White

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. – Terry Pratchett

I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious. – Steve Carell

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. – Steve Martin

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. – Lily Tomlin

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. – Mark Twain

I used to jog, but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass. – David Lee Roth

I never said most of the things I said. – Yogi Berra

Behind every great man, there’s a woman rolling her eyes. – Jim Carrey

I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you. – Robin Williams

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. – Henny Youngman

If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three. – Laurence J. Peter

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. – Steven Wright

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. – Oscar Wilde

If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. – Henny Youngman

Funny Quotes by Famous People part 2

I’ve been on a calendar, but I’ve never been on time. – Marilyn Monroe

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. – A.A. Milne

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. – Mitch Hedberg

I’ll probably never fully become what I wanted to be when I grew up, but that’s probably because I wanted to be a ninja princess. – Cassandra Duffy

I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs. – Samuel Goldwyn

I’m an idealist. I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way. – Carl Sandburg

Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born? – Benny Hill

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. – Fred Allen

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure. – Unknown

I’m not crazy, my reality is just different from yours. – Lewis Carroll

A day without laughter is a day wasted. – Charlie Chaplin

Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead. – Charles Bukowski

If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success? – Jerry Seinfeld

Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy ice cream. And that’s pretty much the same thing. – Unknown

I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals, I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants. – A. Whitney Brown

If at first, you don’t succeed, then bungee jumping is definitely not for you. – Unknown

I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you. – Unknown

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. – Emo Philips

I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical. – Arthur C. Clarke

You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend, but it sure helps! – Unknown

The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. – Oscar Wilde

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. – Winnie the Pooh

I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode. – Unknown

The problem with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat. – Lily Tomlin

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments. – Earl Wilson

I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. – Unknown

I don’t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without it. – Unknown

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. – Unknown

I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure if I try, I’ll be able to figure it out. – Unknown

The biggest lie I tell myself is ‘I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it’. – Unknown